I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize