please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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