"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Randomize
