he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize