Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Randomize
