Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
