Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
