Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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