you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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