Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
