I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
