I cannot find my penis.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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