Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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