I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
