U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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