Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize