I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
