Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
