I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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