I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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