He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
