Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
