yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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