You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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