Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
