I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
