she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
