I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
