Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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