i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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