I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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