I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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