he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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