never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
