I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
