So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
