i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
