i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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