Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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