im drinking this country out of the recession.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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