is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Well I just put wine in my tea
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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