my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
