I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
