I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
