How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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