I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
