I want to walk on stilts...naked
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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