hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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