Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
