he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I take back everything I said about communal showers
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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