Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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