I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
