We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
