FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize