Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
